Jokes!!!!!!

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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:07 pm

two condoms walk into a gay bar.
one says to the other, we're gonna get shitfaced tonight
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:56 pm

cullin wrote:two condoms walk into a gay bar.
one says to the other, we're gonna get shitfaced tonight

lol thats pretty good
but even in a joke, try and be aware of the language please!
i have been guilty of that too, but i give a heads up for those who may find such language offensive
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:23 pm

> The Zipper
> >
> > As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that >her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the >first step of the bus.
> >
> > Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
> > reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
> > give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
> > To discover that she couldn't.
> >
> > So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
> > unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the >Step.
> >
> > Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a >little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little More >and again was unable to take the step.
> >
> > About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked >her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
> >
> > She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How >dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
> >
> > The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree >with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was >friends.
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:27 pm

> > Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's
> >
> > Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
> >
> > party.
> >
> >
> >
> > As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
> >
> > Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
> >
> > thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the
> >
> > side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
> >
> > Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean
> >
> > and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
> >
> > perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
> >
> > He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
> >
> > staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
> >
> > Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
> >
> > written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife
> >
> > in lipstick:
> >
> > 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
> >
> > groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
> >
> > I love you, Darling!
> >
> >
> >
> > Love,
> >
> > Jillian'
> >
> >
> >
> > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
> >
> > breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
> >
> > His son is also at the table, eating.
> >
> > Joe asks:
> >
> > 'Son... what happened last night?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your
> >
> > mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked
> >
> > in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
> >
> > door.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything
> >
> > in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on
> >
> > the
> >
> > table waiting for me?'
> >
> >
> >
> > His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the
> >
> > bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
> >
> > 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Broken Coffee Table $239.99
> >
> > Hot Breakfast $4.20
> >
> >
> >
> > Two Aspirin $.38
> >
> >
> >
> > Saying the right thing, at the
> >
> >
> >
> > right time......priceless!!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:37 am

LMFAO @ Both them jokes, they are great xD
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 03, 2008 7:25 pm

The Challenge

ok my friend gave me this one and its a great party joke for some reason.


a guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money. he asks the barkeep and all the barkeep will say is dont worry bout it. after a few beers he asks the barkeep again and this time the barkeep decides to explain. "you put a $5 in the jar and if you can complete 2 tasks." the man replies "o... never mind" a few more beers later the man asks again and the barkeep tells him the 2 tasks. "1. i have a rotty in the back with a bad tooth and last time i tried to pull it he nearly tore my arm off. 2. my mother in law is upstairs and hasnt been pleased in 30 years. complete both of these and you get the money" the man decides this is a lil too much for him. of course tho, as beer works the man has a few more and decides to try it. the barkeep shows him the door to the dogs pen and a few seconds later he hears the dog screaming in pain and the man cussing obviously also in pain. a few minutes soon after the man walks back in and says "ok took care of the mutt now wheres the old b**** with the sore tooth?"
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 03, 2008 7:39 pm

i love my bar jokes...

a guy walks into one of those 6th floor bars and as soon as he walks in he sees a man in the middle of the room with a bunch of empty shot glasses on the table. he takes another shot and throws himself out the window.

no one does anything so the man just sits down quietly in the corner.

to the mans amazement the man in the middle walks back in the door. he takes another shot and again throws himself out the window. sure enough he comes back.

this happens a few more times and the original man walks over and stands next to the door. when the man walks back in he asks. "how are you still alive?" the man replies "its a special type of vodka that makes you light as air and you just float to the ground"

the man tries it jumps out the window and falls to his death.

the bartender looks over "superman, ur a real a** when ur drunk"
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 03, 2008 10:05 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

HAHAH love those...OMG i got to remember them
(think i heard the 2nd 1 before tho, but o well lol! )
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:07 pm

a guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. looks at his wife and says. "this is the pig i sleep with when your mad at me" his wife replies "hun thats a sheep" he snaps back shut up ho im not talkin to you!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sat Nov 08, 2008 2:52 am

Lmao, short and catchy.. Razz Loved it!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:30 pm

Ok, got a Cracka' for ya. Wink

Little Johnny walks into the bedroom accidently, by his surprise he sees mum bent over and dad doing her up the rear, dad gives him a little wink and johnny winks back and exists the bedroom.

Later on dad walks into the living room after banging mum and sees grandma bent over and johnny doing her up the rear, dad shouts:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SON?!?!?!?

Johnny says: Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?
lol! A bit rude, but i love it.

Ok got another short random one about dinosaurs.

Wadda' you call a he/she dinosaur? --- Your-mum's-gotta-peen-ass (i just made that up from the top of my head) xD
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:27 am

what do you call a gay dinosaur? mega-sore-ass

>(greater than)

Wadda' you call a he/she dinosaur? --- Your-mum's-gotta-peen-ass

no offense but, its doesnt go with dinosaur


love the little johny joke
he is rude crude and nude...xD
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 30, 2008 8:15 pm

ok, made up off ta top of my head.

a girl who believes only n beastility (V) is woken up at 12am by her fone. she gets up and answers, to find her best friend from kindergarten (S) on ta fone.

V: *iiritablty* hello?
S: hey, i gotta tell u sumthin
V: wat is it???
S: well, u c... uhh..... i'm a werewolf...
V: oh, well, u couldnt w8 2 tell me???
S: well, theres more...
V: *after a Pause* well, wat is it? i want 2 get 2 sleep, then ill freak out 2morrow
S: ok, but ur gonna hate me...... u no tat nite u screwed tat huge dog?
V: ya.... w8, how do u no bout tat?!?!?!
S: well, u c, tat wasnt just a dog... tat was me......
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:02 am

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all


yeer.


Yer Friend, Billy


Dear Billy,


Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How


about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your


older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.


Santa


*****************************************************


Dear Santa,


I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is


peace and joy in the world for everybody!


Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,


Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Santa


****************************************************


Dear Santa,


I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my


mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.


Love, Teddy


Dear Teddy,


Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a


hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your


frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let


me send you some Legos instead.


Santa


****************************************************


Dear Santa,


I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.


Love, Francis


Dear Francis,


Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you


up with a Barbie.


Santa


****************************************************


Dear Santa,


I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.


Love, Susan


Dear Susan,


Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face


when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of


Scotch.


Santa


****************************************************


Dear Santa,


What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making


toys?


Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,


All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend


most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself


silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at


the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.


Santa


****************************************************


Dear Santa,


Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,


like in the song?


Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,


Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.


Santa


****************************************************


Dear Santa,


I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE


could I have one?


Love, Timmy


Dear Timmy,


That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.


Santa


****************************************************


Dearest Santa,


We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?


Love, Marky


Dear Mark,


First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass


whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent


apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman


does, through your bedroom window.


Sweet dreams,


Santa





**************************************************************


THE PASTOR’S CAT...

This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.


Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.






******************************************************



> Why Parents Drink
>
> A father passing by his son's bedroom was
> astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and
> everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
> up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
> 'Dad.'
> With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
> with trembling hands and read the letter.
>
> Dear Dad:
>
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
> writing you.
> I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
> wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
> I have been finding real passion with Karen and she
> is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because
> of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and
> the fact that she is much older than I am.
> But it's not only the passion...Dad she's
> pregnant. Karen said that we will be very happy. She owns a
> trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
> whole winter.
> We share a dream of having many more children. Karen
> has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
> really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves
> and trading it with the other people that live nearby for
> cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that
> science will find a cure for AIDS so Karen can get better.
> She deserves it.
>
> Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to
> take care of myself.
> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so
> that you can get to know your grandchildren.
>
> Love, Your Son John
>
> PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
> Tommy's house.
> I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
> things in life than the report card that's in my center
> desk drawer.
>
> I love you.
>
> Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Thu Dec 18, 2008 1:00 pm

ok i was told a pretty good joke, and im going to attempt to remember it

I used to think i was one of those guys that nothing could ever go wrong! well i was wrong. last week i went to the doctor for a regular checkup and found out i had an STD.

Doctor: im sorry to inform you that your blood test has revealed you have an STD

me: oh great!

Doctor: i suggest you let your recent sex partners knows, i would say those within the last 2 weeks

me: gee Doc i dont know i have the time

Doctor: well if you can come back tomarrow i am more than willing to help those in your situation, i know it could be hard

so i decided i would do that, that night i figured it would be helpful if i made a list of the women i was with in the last 2 weeks. and the next day...

Doctor: ah good your here, do you know how to get in contact with these people?

me: yes i do!

i handed him the list

Doctor: umm...

he scanned all 5 pages of my 'list'

me: there a problem Doc?

Doctor: it looks like the only one you dont have on this list in Ms. Piggy

me: oh no! never Ms. Piggy! im Jewish


(sounds right to be, but also seems to be missing something, idk ill try and figure it out)
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Anto on Tue Jan 06, 2009 5:18 pm

LOL dis is short but........
"I hate goin to weddings my older relatives always poke me and say "ur next" i hate it but at least i can do it to them at funerals" :O... oh o
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 06, 2009 8:48 pm

omg, i got tat n a txt a while ago!!!!!!!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 07, 2009 7:34 am

hilarious!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 07, 2009 5:28 pm

Heard this one a few days ago...you probably wont get it the first time you read it.

A husband and wife are getting divorced and are fighting over the custody of their kids in court.
"i brought them into this world and went through terrible pain pain doing it....so i should have them" says the wife to the the judge

when the judge asked the man why he should have them he said

"judge, if i put money into a vending machine an and a coke comes out............who doe the coke belong to?"
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