Jokes!!!!!!

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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sun Aug 10, 2008 11:49 pm

ok lets see if i remember....

A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out and promises to grant him 3 wishes
but his mother in law got double what he wished for...
1. he wished for a million dollars...his mother in law got 2 million
2. he wished for a big house...his mother in law got 2 houses
and as the final wish he said " you see that stick over there? i want you to beat me half to death."

if someone already posted this joke leave me alone...i didnt want to read all of em
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:56 pm

"ID ten T error"

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric.......
_____________________

Prescription For Love

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

_________________
THIS ONE IS JUST HILARIOUS!!!!
one of my favorites for sure!!!!!!


A Pharmacist

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Fox Cub on Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:37 am

lol funny jokes!

BTW - NEW EMOTE!

Coin
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:33 pm

The 3 Little Pigs

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a
six year old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build
my house?

'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what
do you think the man
said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly...'I think
the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A
talking pig!'
................
The teacher had to leave the room.
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Fox Cub on Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:36 am

lol - Coin - talking pigs cheers
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bear and rabbit is hilarious

Post by Guest on Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:14 pm

ROFL i love the bear and rabbit one
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Mon Aug 25, 2008 10:48 am

A LITTLE FELLER IN EAST TEXAS


Barack Obama, the Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for
banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt
with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in
total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced
the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

(another E-mail i got lol! )
Coin
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Mon Aug 25, 2008 9:55 pm

LOLZ I loved all of them they were good I got a few of my own.

There was a man selling a horse. Another man comes points to a horse and says "Whats special about this horse?" The sell replies "If you say oh my god once he'll walk, if you say oh my god twice he'll trot, if you say oh my god three tiems he'll run as fast as he could if you want him to stop say ah man." The buyer buiys the horse gets on it and says "Oh my god." the horse walks. He says oh my god twice the horse trots. He says oh my god three times and the horse ran as fast as it could. He got tired and forgot the word to make it stop so he starts panicking. He sees a cliff ahead of him and says"Ah man im going to die" and the horse stops right the edge of the cliff. He looks down...and says "Oh my god."


Two guys were stranded in the desert and there car broke down so they decided to take one thing from the car with them. One guy took the car seat the other took the car door. The one with the car door asks "Why did you take the car seat?" the guy with the car seat replies "If I get tired I'll sit down." Then the one with the car seat says "Why did you take the car door?" the guy with the door replies "If I get hot I'll open the window."


A blonde walks into the pharmacy and asks for a butt deodorant. The Pharmacist was shocked and says "We dont have any of those." the blonde says "I brought one here the other day." then the pharmacists still shocked replies "Bring me back the bottle and we'll see if we have any others." The blonde comes back the next day and says "Here it is." The pharmacists looks at it and says "this is a regular deodorant." The blonde replies " No its not, look at the directions it says push up bottom."
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:42 am

Old vs Young Pilots

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the hell did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon bun.'

  • When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
    When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Sep 30, 2008 12:12 am

Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and h
e could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said To place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:52 pm

Alright I got one Might be a little dirty so all you young ones dont read this!!
Three guys were stranded on an island with canibals, they get captured and the canibal king says "I will let you guys go but first you have to do as I say, I want you to go into the jungle and collect 10 of the same fruits." The three guys head into the forest and a half hour later the first guy comes with 10 apples The canibal king says "Now shove them all up your @$$ one by one if you show any sign of emotion or pain we will kill you." The guy starts the task 1 in...2 in...3 in.. 4 in and the guy winces they kill him immediatly. The second guy comes in 5 minutes later with cherries and the king tells him the same challenge and the guy does as he was told 1 in...2 in....3 in....4 in....5 in....6 in....7 in....8 in....9 in and he laughs. they kill him on the spot. The first guy and the second guy are in heaven, and the first guy says "Why did you laugh you almost got away with it?" The second guy says "Oh haha I saw the last guy come with pineapples."
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:41 am

Don't know if you have heard of this, but this is always my favourate joke <3 : Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

The teacher is holding a lesson on manners today, and the first question is: How would you ask to go to the bathroom politely on a date with your girlfriend?

~Teacher: "Ok paul.. lets here about how you would ask. Remember, we need to be polite. Stand up."

~Paul: "I would say, excuse me darlin', i need a Piss real bad."

~Teacher: "NO NO NO, how on earth is that polite? SIT DOWN! .. Now.. Ben, tell me how you would ask, try to be more polite than Paul.. Stand up."

~Ben: "Excuse me, but i need to go to the bathroom."

~Teacher: "Thats a little bit better.. but saying bathroom at the dinner table isnt really THE thing to say. Sit down. Now then.. Little johnny.. Let us know how you would ask, remember.. politeness."

~Johnny: "Excuse me love but i need to shake hands with someone who i hope you will meet after dinner."

~Teacher: "Oh my... g...."

The teacher fainted. Laughing

Hope you liked it. Wink Coin lol!


Last edited by Jamie on Fri Oct 10, 2008 1:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:29 am

HAHAHAHHA
OMG! Little Johnny is timeless man...
rude...crude..and.....possibly nude lol!
Coin
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:39 am

Thats johnny all over Wink
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 21, 2008 2:06 am


ok i cant remember if this was added already but...here it is




Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'

The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'


'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'


The black Lab said....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'

The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'


'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'


The black Lab said....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:18 pm

:scratch:Whats the joke aspect of it? affraid Im pretty thick so fill me in Rolling Eyes
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:25 pm

OMG! affraid
if you cant get that, then you seriously need help!

read it over you will get
each dog has a bad habit and once they crass the line with it, they lose their...uhhh...well i think you get that part

but the black lab says he is their to get his nails clipped...and he has a habit that most people would want fixed, esspecially after what he did!! the easiest way to fix that is to get the dog fixed!! BUT! instead, his owner is having his nails clipped, meaning that hes not exactly in trouble ofr doing it... Wink

get it now?
if not PM me here and ill tell you, shouldnt say the plain stright forward on the forums itself!
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:29 pm

I'll get it eventually lol, gimme some time.. Oh ofc i do need help What a Face
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:38 am

Say this out loud:
Knock Knock
(Whos there?)
I eat mop
(I eat mop who?) <--










thats the joke.
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 11:37 am

ok wow im usually good with jokes...but...umm...what?
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 11:56 am

I THINK its when you say it outloud, it sounds like 'eat moh poo' Suspect
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:13 pm

no no wait
i think its more like...my poo

mop - p = my
p + who = poo
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:25 pm

Ok, got a little bit of a 'rude' joke, but its not insulting. You've probably heard them Razz

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? - Licko-loto-puss
What do you call a gay dinosaur? - Mega-saur-as

Laughing yeh.. (woot page 5)


Last edited by Jamie on Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:32 pm

yes yes ive heard those and love em xD
btw you missed 1 s on the last one
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:33 pm

I meant to miss out the 'S' there, to see if people would get it Wink
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Re: Jokes!!!!!!

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